Archive for the 'Satire' Category

Shibuya monkey evades police for year

Shibuya station monkey news 2008, Tokyo, JapanMonkey celebrates year of freedom

Where is the monkey? That is the question Tokyo residents are asking today on the one year anniversary of the appearance of the lone roamer monkey of Shibuya station.

On August 20, 2008, a macaque monkey dashed into Shibuya train station in Tokyo. Morning rush hour commuters watched as dozens of police officers arrived and began efforts to capture the ape. The monkey hung around long enough for TV news crews to get there and record video of the scampering monkey.

The macaque was adept at eluding its pursuers and escaped the green butterfly nets of the law. Monkey-chase video was broadcast on TV stations worldwide and posted on TV and newspaper websites.

Where are you monkey-san?

The monkey has been seen several times in different areas of Tokyo since August 2008. The last reported sighting was in October 2008. Television newscasters were wondering if more than one monkey was roaming the city after reports of a monkey on the loose in Itabashi, Tokyo, in early November 2008.

The monkey claims to be living in an internet cafe and has been posting updates since January 2008 under the name "Makawaii" via the social networking service Twitter. We believe the twittering simian resides in Tokyo. However it is unlikely the macaque is doing the writing. We believe the macaque is paying a cyber cafe resident to type the twitter posts.

Monkey may be horny

The summer high temperatures, often over 30 degrees celsius, and the high humidity of Tokyo should not adversely affect the hardy Japanese macaque. In summer, macaques shed their winter coat for a lighter covering of fur. Macaques have a lifespan of over thirty years.

Taro Suzuki, Chief Profiler of the Missing Monkey Unit of the Association of Primates Special Hunting Team has been profiling the loose macaque. He says these monkeys are innately group oriented. "Without a female companion Makawaii is most certainly craving companionship. No doubt he is a loveless monkey searching for a troop. Therefore the isolation has probably caused the lonley macaque to spank the monkey frequently," Suzuki said. "The Shibuya monkey is also suffering from dementia," he added.

The Shibuya monkey of Tokyo may be selling drugs in Roppongi. Monkey armed and dangerous

Tokyo police believe the wayward ape has turned to crime in order to survive. "It is likely the monkey is now disguising itself as a foreigner in Roppongi and is pushing drugs," said a police source who declined to be identified due to the sensitive nature of the subject. "We must catch the monkey soon in order to prevent evil acts, such as late-night naked romping in a park," the source said.

A blogger in Japan concurs on the monkey’s criminal intent. "I think it will become evident that Noriko Sakai, the singer and actress arrested on suspicion of possessing stimulant drugs, was in fact covering for the monkey", said Nick at JapanSoc. "Rather than turn him over to the authorities when they discovered his hidden stash of narcotics in Sakai’s home, they fled to a safe treehouse in the mountains before she eventually gave herself up and claimed the drugs as her own," he said.

 

Another blogger in Japan believes the monkey is dead meat. This barbecue meat image was provided by Lee at Loneleeplanet.

 Other bloggers in Japan contacted by Lets Japan refused to speculate on the macaque’s status citing the risk of a police request for a urine drug screening test.

Sources report police dispatched investigators to Karuizawa and Nikko National Park to search known monkey hangouts in order to get a lead on the lawbreaking ape.

Police believe the monkey is preparing to stroll through Shibuya station again soon. Police sources cite recent activity on the monkey’s credit card. In addition to charges for Shinkansen bullet train "green car" tickets to Karuizawa and Nikko, the macaque had also been shopping in Shibuya. "The monkey purchased underwear at a Shibuya department store and wire cutters at a Shibuya hardware store. We think the monkey plans to hide the cutters in its underpants and cut our green nets if caught," a source said. "It is a clever monkey," the source added.

Police artist sketch of Tokyo Shibuya macaque monkey wearing underpants disguise.

Officials refused comment on rumors a DNA test had been performed on a straw taken from a half-eaten banana found on the ground in front of a Shibuya produce store. Sources say the banana-straw DNA matched the DNA of monkey hair retrieved from Shibuya station in August 2008.

Monkey DNA test performed on straw in banana in Tokyo, Japan Police tested straw for macaque DNA in Tokyo, Japan

 

Tokyo police continue to advise against getting close to the monkey. "If you see this masked, drug-dealing, bloomer-wearing, gal-groping, elderly-swindling, hidden-camera-picture-taking fugitive macaque, do not approach it," warn police.

Police expressed their determination to catch the monkey. "He stole an officer’s hat during the chase last year," said one officer who spoke on condition of anonymity. "No one steals a cop’s hat and gets away with it. Especially a monkey."

Mask May Hide Monkey Mischief

Masked macaque could attack Tokyo police handout monkey H1N1 flu wanted poster Police are warning Tokyo residents the wild Shibuya monkey may use the mass mask H1N1 flu hysteria to venture out and cause trouble. Police say if the monkey puts on a mask, it will be easier for the simian to slip out of its hideout and blend in with mask-wearing citizens.

The macaque monkey turned up unescorted in Shibuya train station in Tokyo the morning of August 20, 2008. Rush hour crowds scattered as the monkey scampered around the station. The monkey rested atop a timetable sign while cops below stretched green netting to trap the macaque. But the monkey was too quick for the cops and ran out of the station.

The monkey, nicknamed "Makawaii", has been seen in the Tokyo city limits on several occasions. It’s believed the monkey has been posing as a "net cafe refugee" and living in an internet cafe in Tokyo. Messages have been regularly posted by "Makawaii" on the internet messaging service Twitter. The monkey claims it is being given a net cafe cubicle free of rent in return for doing janitorial work at the outlet.

Tokyo cops are distributing an updated Masked Monkey Most Wanted poster door-to-door. The A4-size handout shows 4 computer-enhanced images of the mask-wearing monkey. The handout also include tips on how to spot a sick monkey. Police say the monkey has probably been indoors for several months and is likely to wildly celebrate any time spent outdoors by drinking too much beer and sake, and possibly stripping and chattering loudly in a city park. Officials are advising citizens to carry green netting at all times, and to report any monkey-like mischief.

Translation of the police handout, from top:
Wanted ! The Shibuya monkey might wear a flu mask! *Computer image. Symptoms of flu in macaque monkeys. Weight loss. Delusional. Paranoia. Call 110 if you see this monkey!

news Japan reports 135 swine flu cases, closes schools
Japan Swine Flu Cases Top 100; Schools Shut, Workers Sent Home

Digital TV Deer Arrested Naked in Tokyo Park

Mascot detained hours after replacing disgraced SMAP singer
Chi-Dejika deer mascot mug shot after arrest in Tokyo for public indecency.NAB Mascot Chi-Dejika in Japan

 

The character that replaced SMAP singer Tsuyoshi Kusanagi in a government-related ad campaign has been arrested after being found prancing naked, drunk, and eating grass in a Tokyo park.

The deer mascot "Chi-Dejika" is the official spokes-character for Japan’s National Association of Commercial Broadcasters PR campaign about the ongoing national switchover from analog to digital TV broadcasting. Chi-Dejika took over PR duties from Kusanagi on April 28. Kusanagi was arrested in Hinokicho Park in Tokyo in the early hours of April 24. Kusanagi, who was naked, drunk and shouting, also resisted arrest, police say.

Chi-Dejika deer mascot is placed in police car in Tokyo. Police say they were called to Hinokicho Park at around 3 a.m. April 28 and they observed Chi-Dejika inebriated, nude, stomping and snorting. Police attemped to throw green netting over the deer, but the animal bucked and tangled the net. A SWAT team was requested, and the deer was bundled into the armored SWAT van.

Chi Dekija is in police custody and is being questioned. Police raided the animal’s thicket but would not reveal what was found. The deer’s attorney says Chi Dekija was enjoying the park in a manner suitable for deer. The attorney objects to the mascot’s arrest and rough treatment. "The police are not treating this deer like other similar cases. I think the police are angry because Chi-Dejika regurgitated in the SWAT vehicle," the attorney said.

Kusanagi was released on April 25 and made a public apology. Numerous TV commercials featuring Kusanagi were pulled off the air. The weekly SMAP SMAP TV program on April 27 aired a "best of SMAP" edition that did not include Kusanagi. The singer was also editied out of other pre-recorded talk and variety programs in which he usually appears.
SMAP singer Tsuyoshi KusanagiTBS-TV Japan mascot Boo-Boo chan.Fuji-TV Japandog  mascot Ruf-chanNHK TV Japan mascot Domo-Kun.

 

Reaction to Chi-Dejika’s arrest from other broadcast mascots came quickly. TBS-TV mascot Boo Boo-chan said Chi-Dejika should apologize. "It’s shameful to be naked in the park. He was drunk too. It’s disgraceful. That’s all I have to say. Excuse me, may I pee here?" Fuji-TV mascot Ruf-chan" said "What’s wrong with being naked? I’m not wearing pants right now." Domo-kun, mascot at public broadcaster NHK-TV expressed regret. "Dejika-chan was one of the finest mascots. He was the inspiration for Sento-kun. Lately he hasn’t been able to find work and perhaps was drinking too much." Kusanagi has not commented on the arrest of Chi-Dejika.

SMAP’s Nude Tsuyoshi Police Questioning Leaked

Sexy police squad makes singer squeal Tsuyoshi questioned by mini skirt police for public indecency in Japan

 
 (April 24, 2009) - A Japanese pop singer who was arrested for public indecency after being found drunk and naked in a Tokyo park has apologised for his "shameful" conduct.
"I drank a lot and did not know what I was doing," Tsuyoshi Kusanagi said on Friday after being released by police."I deeply apologise to fans for causing so much trouble and worry," he added.
Kusanagi, 34, shot to fame as a member of 1980s boy band SMAP. He has not been charged for the incident, which took place in the early hours of Thursday. At the time of his arrest, Kusanagi was allegedly sitting on the grass, undressed and heavily intoxicated. (BBC)

Transcript of Tsuyoshi Kusanagi interrogation, April 23, 2009

Police 1: What is your name?
Tsuyoshi: (unintelligble)
Police 2: It is Tsuyoshi Kusanagi desu ne?
Tsu: Su-ma.. Ssmpu.. tsu yoda (unintelligible)
Police 3: Why were you in the park at 3 a.m.?
Tsu: Park?
Pol 2: Why were you in the park at 3 a.m.!
Tsu: Which park?
Pol 1: Hinokicho Park!
Tsu: He is famous Korean actor? Hah?
Pol 2: Why were you naked?
Tsu: Drunk… (unintelligible)
Pol 1: Where do you live?
Pol 2: What is you address?
Pol 3: What is your mother’s maiden name?
Tsu: Cabagin onegaishimasu.
Pol 1: You will tell us!
Pol 2: We can make you talk!
(SMAP’s 2003 hit song Sekai ni hitotsu dake no hana" is heard.)
Tsu: No! No!
Pol 1: What did you drink before going to the park?
Pol 2: Where did you drink?
Pol 3: With whom?
Tsu: Sake! Beer! Shochuuuu! Yokoso! (weeps)
Pol: You are being charged with infractions 110-A-Section 2 (i)(v) "Resisting arrest while nude" and 119-B-Section 7(ii)(d) "Theft of police property."
Tsu: Eh?
Pol: You took our blue tarpaulin!
Tsu: I was cold.
Pol 1: How much did you drink?
Pol 2: How long where you naked?
Tsu: Long…?
Pol 3: Turn up the music! (music volume increases)
Tsu: Stop! Help help!
Pol 1: Ahahahaha!
Pol 2: Now what do you have to say?
Tsu: Change your TV to digital before April 2011!

–End of transcript–

related: Policing the police; No smoking during interrogations; Major Change in Japan’s Criminal Trials: Lay judge system starts in May.

Top 10 reasons SMAP’s Tsuyoshi Kusanagi Naked In Park

Singer Tsuyoshi Kusanagi of SMAP arrested drunk and nude in downtown Tokyo park

Top 10 reasons SMAP’s Tsuyoshi Kusanagi Naked In Park

Tsuyoshi Kusanagi of SMAP in a park? 10. Hinokicho park looks like onsen.

9. Need cops’ blue plastic tarpaulin to save space for hanami viewing party.

8. Washing machine broken, wash jeans in creek.

7. Celebrate contract for 1,693rd TV commercial.

6. Romp in birthday suit in honor of Emperor Hirohito’s birthday holiday Showa Day – one week too early.

5. Visualize concept for new Japanese game show: "What’s wrong with being naked?"

4. Mark 6 month anniversary of Naked British Tourist in Japan Emperor’s Palace Moat.

3. Make special blue ray video for SMAP’s Shingo Katori.

2. Finally reveal he is the "A" in SMAP: "Ass"

1. Test his digital antenna.

 

 

SMAP pop singer group in Japan SMAP Tsuyoshi Japan government analog digitalTV campaign

rumors: SMAP=
• See My Ass and Penis
• Stupid Man Arrested in Park
• Star Moons At Passers-by
• Shout Much As Possible
• Songs Mostly About Parks
• Strut Myself After Plastered.

Tokyo Monkey Maybe Moved To Osaka

Monkey in Osaka, Ota city may be the Shibuya monkey.A monkey scampered through a residential neighborhood in Ibaraki City, Osaka prefecture, and ate a dried persimmon.

A passerby called police around 2:30 p.m. Feb. 13. "There is a big ape in the East Ota neighborhood," the woman told police. The Japanese macaque monkey snacked while police kept watch. The police pursued the monkey as it scampered along rooftops and power lines.

Around 5 p.m., the monkey jumped onto the Hankyu Kyoto Line railroad tracks and fled across the border into the Takatsuki City limits. The police lost sight of the monkey.

It is unclear if the Ibaraki City monkey is, or is related to, the Tokyo Shibuya monkey. If the Shibuya monkey travelled to Ibaraki City by train, it would have had to pass unnoticed through several stations, a difficult task for a dirty, smelly, yen-less, stressed monkey.

Route of monkey escape in Ota city, Japan The appearance of a second monkey running wild in an urban area in Japan could be cause for concern. The Shibuya monkey apparently is stealing food and supplies. The Ibaraki City monkey stole a persimmon. The Shibuya monkey uses Tokyo train routes without paying fares. The Ibaraki City monkey also utilized public transportation facilities. An influx of lawbreaking, mass-transit-riding impish monkeys would divert police from other efforts, such as their never-ending campaign to inform every person over the age of 65, in person, twice, about frauds targeting the elderly.

The Ibaraki City monkey is on the police Most Wanted list for fruit theft now. Scientific studies have proven that stealing persimmons leads to a desire for stronger fruit – fresh ume and aomikan for example. The monkey could eventually become addicted to ginnan nuts.

Perhaps police have reason to worry. If the Ibaraki monkey teams with the Shibuya monkey, it would be another organized crime gang to be put down. The monkeys could take over the illegal ginnan nut trade.

We don’t believe the lovable Shibuya monkey could turn to a life of crime. However, if the two meet, the influence of the Ibaraki monkey may be too strong. Monkeys high on wild ginnan may dare to call senior citizens, convince them a relative is a monkey, and swindle cash for the monkey’s ultimate fix: bananas.

Get the Flash Player to see this player.
 

Missing Monkey Unit Following Twitter Chimp

Police distribute Wanted posters about the Shibuya monkey to elderly in Japan. The macaque monkey that appeared unescorted at Shibuya train station in Tokyo in August 2008 remains free. The monkey outsmarted police and escaped into the city. Cops have been responding to the occasional monkey-sighting, but have failed to catch the chimp.

The monkey is now living in an internet cafe. The little simian was last seen in Tokyo Nov. 6, 2008. A chimp claiming to be the Shibuya monkey "Makawaii" has been posting updates via Twitter.

A primate specialist says monkeys that escape into urban areas become stressed and usually seek a quick return to their quiet hometowns. Taro Suzuki, Chief Profiler of the Missing Monkey Unit of the Association of Primates Special Hunting Team says monkeys that become lost in a city will make great efforts to return home. Distrusting public transportation, loose monkeys often hitchhike home.

Monkey expert in Japan studied Shibuya macaque. Suzuki believes the Shibuya monkey was traumatized by the police attempts to catch the monkey. "As the nets were green, the monkey has probably developed a phobia about green. The countryside has much greenery and the monkey is afraid of returning to a forested area," the APSHT profiler said.

A review of photos of the monkey confirms Suzuki’s theory. The macaque is pictured in gray areas. One video shows the monkey fleeing from greenery in Tokyo.

Suzuki also studied Makawaii’s Twitter post archive. On Jan. 15, the monkey posted "Designing futur netcafe-it will be tiled room and have concret flors for ez cleening with hose". On Jan. 20, "jumping around and bouncing off the walls!!". On Jan. 27, the monkey wrote "hding under desk chewing fingernails."

"My analysis of the the monkey-posts indicates the monkey is suffering from dementia. The Shibuya monkey has taken shelter in the safety and comfort of an internet cafe. I recommend this as short term solution. As you can see, the confined space and fear of green is having a detrimental effect. I hope the monkey seeks treatment soon," Suzuki said.

Tokyo police would not comment on efforts to catch the monkey. Lets Japan has learned computer security experts are using traceroute data to locate the monkey. A source says the missing monkey appears to be using off-the-shelf software to create phantom computers to mask the source internet protocol address. Police are also using coordinates from spy satellites.

Lets Japan asked passers-by for ideas about apprehending the Shibuya monkey.
How do you catch a monkey?

I will spank the monkey.
He should stay indoors. It is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
I’d like to get my stinking paws on that damned dirty ape!
A drunken donkey will not remember the monkeys bite.
 

Shibuya Monkey Has Internet Café Home Address

Tokyo Shibuya macaque monkey enters internet cafe.

 

The Shibuya monkey is living in an internet café. These images and a video clip from a cell phone camera were sent anonymously to Lets Japan. These photos show the monkey entering a cyber café.

The story of the Tokyo Shibuya monkey began August 20, 2008, when the unaccompanied Japanese macaque monkey ran wild in Shibuya train station during morning rush hour. Surprised commuters gaped at the ape as it led dozens of cops and reporters on a chase through the station, then raced outside and outran its pursuers.

The monkey has been seen several times in different areas of Tokyo. In early November 2008, TV newscasters were wondering if more than one monkey was roaming the city.

The January glimpse of the monkey in front of the net café is the first report of the mini-macaque in 2009. It has also been learned the monkey - nicknamed Makawaii by the media - is using the popular internet social messaging service Twitter. We have been following the monkey’s writings for several days. According to its Twitter posts, the monkey is out searching for food and sightseeing during the day and returns to its rented PC-and-sleep-space at night. Makawaii also seems to watch a lot of Japanese television and often plays online games. The ape displays an odd sense of humor, and may be slightly crazy.

Tokyo police continue to search for the monkey. Now the cops can also follow Macawaii on Twitter. http://twitter.com/Makawaii related: Cyber cafe offers home to homeless

Princess Masako Possibly Waves To Crowd at Japan New Year’s Gathering.

Japan's Princess Masako and the Emperor wave to crowds at New year's event January 2009 in TokyoJapan's Princess Masako and the Emperor and royal wave at New year's event January 2009 in Tokyo

 

Japan’s Crown Princess Masako joined other members of the royal family to wave to crowds gathered at the Imperial Palace as Japan Emperor Akihito offered his annual New Year’s greetings on Jan. 2, 2009.

Princess Masako has suffered from depression for several years and has rarely appeared in public. In December 2008, it was reported Masako’s health is improving and she feels more able to participate in social events.

The stiff Masako robotic-wave caught the attention of the Lets Japan investigative team. After enhancing the public photos, we noticed what appears to be wiring and electronics protruding from the right arm of "Masako".
Japan's Princess Masako may be a robotJapan's Princess Masako stand-in robotWe were then able to secure an exclusive photo taken from behind the royal family as they stood on the balcony at the Imperial Palace.

This photo seems to indicate an advanced robot replacement developed by skilled Japanese technicians was used for the New Year’s event. Perhaps Masako is still feeling unwell.